Waiting and Stepping Out

There is so much that I would like to share with you. I don't even know where to begin.

I am overwhelmed.

God is so awesome. He is sovereign. He is beautiful. He is faithful. I have been overwhelmed but He is not, he never is...

See when I was younger, I was a lost young lady. I searched for love in all the wrong places. I found my worth in proving people wrong, and achieving academic success, financial success, and independence. But all of that would often leave me overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, under-appreciated, misunderstood, and feeling very alone. I never wanted to share my struggles with anyone. I always put on my smile and hid my pain, for fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of appearing to be a failure. I thought I always had to have it all together. But God taught me some very valuable lessons over the last few years. He has revealed to me my need for healing and restoration and freedom and transparency. He has revealed that He expects me to walk in His fullness and in order to do so, I must step outside of the confines of my comfortable borders and open up to His people while I am going through the valleys of my life. I usually wait until after I am sure He has worked it all out and I am back on the mountain top, then I feel free to share. But God is doing a new thing!

So, as you may or may not know, last Thanksgiving I went through my very first IVF procedure. The whole process reeked havoc on my body, my emotions, and our bank account (lol)... I didn't want to tell many people what we had going on because the process in and of itself was a lot and I did not feel like answering 1000 questions. So I limited my discussions about the process, I wanted to deal with it privately. A few days before Christmas, I found out our IVF did not work. I was disappointed, but Derrick was pretty devastated. We were around family over the holiday and the last thing I wanted was a pity party, I rejected the idea of sympathy and empathy because of my fear of looking like a failure and being misunderstood. Pretty selfish in hindsight.

The next step, according to my doctor was a surgery to block my tubes. I did not want to do it because I thought I might block God's blessing by surgically blocking my tubes in hopes the next IVF treatment would work. I wrestled with God on this one, but I figured I may as well give it a try because my tubes weren't working anyway and if God wanted to do a miracle He could do it. So I got the surgery. Overall it was okay, but the pain that followed every month with my cycle was horrible. I then had to wait 4 months before I could even attempt to try IVF again. Waiting again and again, I kept wondering if it was ever going to be my turn.....

My husband and I have been fasting every year since we got married and have prayed about having children together. There were times where I wanted to give up and prayed for the desire to go away. But God kept speaking to me that I would have a child and that child would come from my womb and that child would be a mighty warrior for His army.  So I believed God could not lie and his word would come to pass. But man it was taking a long time, it's been 6 long years, I had planned to get pregnant the day after I got married, lol. So much for my plans.

Anyhow, recently we had a revival of sorts at my church and I had a Holy Spirit encounter that brought me to my knees. It was as if God was doing a work inside of me and I knew something had been broken, something had been loosed, I felt it with all my being. It was truly indescribable and oh so wonderful. That was on a Tuesday. The following Monday, we had another prayer meeting and I was very busy praying for everyone because that is what I love to do, and my husband grabs the Pastor and tells him that we have been trying to have a baby and asks him to pray for us....So I go up and I receive prayer. My Pastor prophesied that "God was cleaning and clearing things out" and that "he saw this happening immediately" and "he saw twins"....Well, I received it. What my Pastor did not know was that I was going to the hospital the very next morning to have two embryos transferred back into my womb. That was on a Tuesday, July 28th.  Well now it's Thursday, August 6th and I just received a call from my doctor and now I am overwhelmed in a good way, the doctor said, "Congratulations, you are pregnant!"

Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! The Lord has answered our prayers!

So, it's early. Very early, but God told me to share my testimony. Not after I feel it's safe but while I'm walking through it. I am praying the babies keep growing and I am trusting God and His word and the work He is doing in me and through me. I haven't been pregnant in over 14 years. This is a miracle. God lined it all up, His timing is perfect, His ways are just. To God be the glory!

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for believing when I sometimes did not. Thank you...thank you, thank you. May God return His favor upon you and your household and grant you the desires of your hearts. Our God is truly awesome......He can do ALL things. I don't know if you are going through a struggle right now or if you are waiting on God to do something in your life, but know that God is able and He is willing. Listen for his voice, trust in His word and be encouraged. Blessings and Favor!

***UPDATE*** Since the original post, I have had a few ultrasounds and one of the embryos did not make it, so I am not having twins. There is only one baby Ham on the way.... God is sovereign and we are so grateful for his blessings!

The Road from “My Life is Ruined to Overflow”

Me and J - 2015

Fourteen years ago, I was 20. In college, a sophomore, majoring in Computer Engineering with a 4.0 grade average. By the world’s standards, I had a bright future. I had a lot going for me because I was smart. I strived so hard to do my best in school, because it was my way out, my way of freedom….then, I found myself pregnant, at twenty. Barely out of my teens. Talk about devastation, talk about disappointment. My life, all the things I dreamed of, all the things I was striving for, gone…with three simple words…”I’m pregnant.” For most, those words bring joy, but for me, at that time in my life, it brought fear. How am I going to tell my parents, how am I going to finish school, what am I going to do? Pregnant, unmarried, barely educated, check.  And all that equated to was: failure, all that equated to was: STUPID….I felt like a stupid failure L But, I pressed on through the pregnancy, vowing to never be a statistic: poor, black, and uneducated. I pressed on….and 14 years ago, on this day, I gave birth to my only son, Jalen. He was so precious, so small. I barely had time to enjoy him because finals were quickly approaching and I was determined to finish my classes that semester. And I did, all 21 credit hours, with a 3.5 GPA. My life was messy, so much unnecessary drama, but I focused on mainly two things, taking care of Jalen and finishing school. God graced me with an easy going baby, he was never sick, hardly ever fussy….and he graced me with provision. I never struggled as a single mom, I must say I never struggled financially speaking. So I was able to finish school, all while caring for my own child, in my own place. My mantra was “It’s me and J against the world.” I loved God, I prayed, but I wasn’t walking with him and I was stuck in a very unhealthy relationship because I thought I had to ‘for Jalen.’ But God set me free, hallelujah, he set me free. Most of the drama diminished, praise the Lord, and for the next 6 years, it was me and Jalen… No longer just us against the world though, because I truly recognized and acknowledged how God was on my side all along.  So now, my baby boy just turned 14 years old today. I sit and I reflect and I must say I never imagined the joy, the pride, the love, the grace; I never imagined how God could turn my story from 14 years ago into something so beautiful. My son is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. The news I first thought would ruin my life has given me life, and God has blessed me abundantly. Jalen is awesome! He is favored by many, he is smart, he is kind, he is loving, he loves life, he is super talented, he loves God, his smile brightens my day, and he is my picture of God’s redemption and grace and hope. I have many dreams for him. I want to see him graduate high school, get married, have children, serve the Lord with all his heart, mind, soul, and strength. I want to see those things desperately, but I could tell you without a shadow of a doubt, if I never get to see those things, God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams with the last 14 years and for that I am forever grateful! He has taken me from ruin to overflow!!! How great is my God!



13 years ago

There is so much more, I could likely type a whole book with details. The road has not been easy, but it has been blessed. God even saw fit to bless me with a wonderful husband who loves me and my baby boy unconditionally....once again, I never even imagined...

 

~Until Next Time~

The thing Jalen has taught me most.....

 

ENJOY YOUR BLESSINGS!!

 

Book Review: Living in the Pink by Sharon Tubbs

Living in the Pink is a collection of 15 easy to read, easy to relate to, short stories. I found myself looking for the "Pinky" in my life, the woman who is a mentor, a sister, a friend, a God-send. Growing up in the church and being around church people, I found the stories to be very believable. I love how the stories ended with a series of thought-provoking questions, that made me wonder "Am I living in the pink?"  This book shows how comfortable we Christians can get when we think we have 'arrived to sainthood.'  I found myself relating to many of the characters and could not put the book down, I finished in less than 2 days. Awesome read, you will enjoy!!