There is so much that I would like to share with you. I don't even know where to begin.
I am overwhelmed.
God is so awesome. He is sovereign. He is beautiful. He is faithful. I have been overwhelmed but He is not, he never is...
See when I was younger, I was a lost young lady. I searched for love in all the wrong places. I found my worth in proving people wrong, and achieving academic success, financial success, and independence. But all of that would often leave me overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, under-appreciated, misunderstood, and feeling very alone. I never wanted to share my struggles with anyone. I always put on my smile and hid my pain, for fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of appearing to be a failure. I thought I always had to have it all together. But God taught me some very valuable lessons over the last few years. He has revealed to me my need for healing and restoration and freedom and transparency. He has revealed that He expects me to walk in His fullness and in order to do so, I must step outside of the confines of my comfortable borders and open up to His people while I am going through the valleys of my life. I usually wait until after I am sure He has worked it all out and I am back on the mountain top, then I feel free to share. But God is doing a new thing!
So, as you may or may not know, last Thanksgiving I went through my very first IVF procedure. The whole process reeked havoc on my body, my emotions, and our bank account (lol)... I didn't want to tell many people what we had going on because the process in and of itself was a lot and I did not feel like answering 1000 questions. So I limited my discussions about the process, I wanted to deal with it privately. A few days before Christmas, I found out our IVF did not work. I was disappointed, but Derrick was pretty devastated. We were around family over the holiday and the last thing I wanted was a pity party, I rejected the idea of sympathy and empathy because of my fear of looking like a failure and being misunderstood. Pretty selfish in hindsight.
The next step, according to my doctor was a surgery to block my tubes. I did not want to do it because I thought I might block God's blessing by surgically blocking my tubes in hopes the next IVF treatment would work. I wrestled with God on this one, but I figured I may as well give it a try because my tubes weren't working anyway and if God wanted to do a miracle He could do it. So I got the surgery. Overall it was okay, but the pain that followed every month with my cycle was horrible. I then had to wait 4 months before I could even attempt to try IVF again. Waiting again and again, I kept wondering if it was ever going to be my turn.....
My husband and I have been fasting every year since we got married and have prayed about having children together. There were times where I wanted to give up and prayed for the desire to go away. But God kept speaking to me that I would have a child and that child would come from my womb and that child would be a mighty warrior for His army. So I believed God could not lie and his word would come to pass. But man it was taking a long time, it's been 6 long years, I had planned to get pregnant the day after I got married, lol. So much for my plans.
Anyhow, recently we had a revival of sorts at my church and I had a Holy Spirit encounter that brought me to my knees. It was as if God was doing a work inside of me and I knew something had been broken, something had been loosed, I felt it with all my being. It was truly indescribable and oh so wonderful. That was on a Tuesday. The following Monday, we had another prayer meeting and I was very busy praying for everyone because that is what I love to do, and my husband grabs the Pastor and tells him that we have been trying to have a baby and asks him to pray for us....So I go up and I receive prayer. My Pastor prophesied that "God was cleaning and clearing things out" and that "he saw this happening immediately" and "he saw twins"....Well, I received it. What my Pastor did not know was that I was going to the hospital the very next morning to have two embryos transferred back into my womb. That was on a Tuesday, July 28th. Well now it's Thursday, August 6th and I just received a call from my doctor and now I am overwhelmed in a good way, the doctor said, "Congratulations, you are pregnant!"
Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! The Lord has answered our prayers!
So, it's early. Very early, but God told me to share my testimony. Not after I feel it's safe but while I'm walking through it. I am praying the babies keep growing and I am trusting God and His word and the work He is doing in me and through me. I haven't been pregnant in over 14 years. This is a miracle. God lined it all up, His timing is perfect, His ways are just. To God be the glory!
Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for believing when I sometimes did not. Thank you...thank you, thank you. May God return His favor upon you and your household and grant you the desires of your hearts. Our God is truly awesome......He can do ALL things. I don't know if you are going through a struggle right now or if you are waiting on God to do something in your life, but know that God is able and He is willing. Listen for his voice, trust in His word and be encouraged. Blessings and Favor!
***UPDATE*** Since the original post, I have had a few ultrasounds and one of the embryos did not make it, so I am not having twins. There is only one baby Ham on the way.... God is sovereign and we are so grateful for his blessings!
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
The Road from “My Life is Ruined to Overflow”
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| Me and J - 2015 |
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| 13 years ago |
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Book Review: Living in the Pink by Sharon Tubbs
Living in the Pink is a collection of 15 easy to read, easy to relate to, short stories. I found myself looking for the "Pinky" in my life, the woman who is a mentor, a sister, a friend, a God-send. Growing up in the church and being around church people, I found the stories to be very believable. I love how the stories ended with a series of thought-provoking questions, that made me wonder "Am I living in the pink?" This book shows how comfortable we Christians can get when we think we have 'arrived to sainthood.' I found myself relating to many of the characters and could not put the book down, I finished in less than 2 days. Awesome read, you will enjoy!!
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
ICU who?
So this past week has been quite an experience. For those of you who may not know, I spent my weekend at Tampa General in the ICU....yes, the Intensive Care Unit, definitely not a place I had on my radar. What started out as a simple virus or 24-hr stomach bug turned into a five day stint. I have been working my tush off over the last few months. Work has been busy with the normal everyday tasks and then add to that a big engineering effort that needed to be designed last week; it's needless to say, I have been going non-stop. But it did not stop after my day job, because when I got off is when I got to do the stuff I was born to do, like teach and minister to others. So I would go teach at HCC, get home and cook for my family and finally sit down around 9:00 or 9:30 at night and on the nights I didn't teach there was always something else I had to do or felt called to do. Everyone has been telling me to 'slow down', but I knew I would be getting a weekend off on the 8th....so I was pressing on. Pressing on full force...until I could get my weekend off, it was oh so close. And then, like a thief in the middle of the night, no it wasn't my Savior coming to take me, it was the enemy trying to take me out with a stupid virus. I cannot believe a virus caused me to be in the ICU. Now, I do have other conditions that make me more susceptible to illnesses, but this just came so quickly and unexpectedly. I was not ready, but I tell you what, I was prepared. I stay prepared, by the grace of God. I was prepared because I was not worried, I knew God was healing me. I was prepared because I had been through this before, I serve the same God. I was prepared because I knew this was not going to be the end, God has been showing me it is the beginning. It is the beginning and I am so, so excited. If you saw me right now, laid up in my bed looking weak, you might not believe me, but where I am weak, my God is strong and His spirit is strong in me. The devil really thought he had me....as I look back I laugh at him, because my God is about to be glorified. I am so excited, I seriously am so filled with joy I can barely contain it. The best is yet to come....stay tuned.
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
I Will Stand
This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!
...but it's raining, it's a gray kind of day. These days make me want to just lie in bed all day and watch mindless TV, but because I get to work and because I have a family, I don't get to do that....so, I get up and I start my day. I am grateful, but every time I look out the window, this little feeling of dread comes over me, I dread going outside because I don't want to get wet, my hair will be a mess, and it's just 'nasty' outside. Now, some people love these kind of days, but I can bet that there are many of you who feel very similar to the way I feel.
So I am going upstairs to wake up God beautiful children, Joseph and Jalen, and I kept passing the three huge windows upstairs. All signs from outside told me, it's dark, it's raining, don't you just want to lay back down....and then my friend, the Holy Spirit prompted something inside of me. I had a "God is so awesome" moment.
Why is it that when it rains outside, we always believe it won't rain forever? We all know the story of how it rained and flooded for 40 days, back in days of Noah. But how many of us have built an ark to prepare for the non-stop rain...think about it, even when it rains for a few days in a row, don't you always know that it won't rain forever? But how do you know that? Did your mother tell you that, do you base that conclusion off past periods of rain, do you remember God's promise? I mean it really does look like it is going to rain all day long, and it has been raining pretty consistently over these past few days, should I be ordering ark supplies from Amazon? That would seem a bit absurd in my opinion because I *know* that this rain is going to pass. And as my favorite orphan said, "The sun will come out tomorrow!" So even though this little feeling of dread comes over me when I see the dark gray days, I don't have to wallow in it because I know the gray days will soon pass. And how I know this is based off a few things, first, God promised me in his word. (Gen. 9)
Gen 9:13-15 "I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth, and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life."
So I don't by materials for an ark because I believe God's word. Secondly, I don't even have the skills to build an ark anyway, but that's another blogpost. I also know this rain will pass because through all my life, a whole whopping 33 years, I have never seen the rain not go away. I cannot recall one time when I thought it would never stop raining and it didn't. Where am I going with this?
I easily trust God and believe His word without any doubt when it comes to the matter of rainy days in the physical environment. But, why is it that we have such a hard time believing God's word, without any doubt when it comes to rainy seasons in our lives? When you look at your present state of being and take an inventory, where is the rain falling? Where does it seem like there is no end to the rain? Are you struggling with your finances? Are your children acting like a fool, are they driving you crazy? Is your husband getting on your last nerve? Is your health failing? Are you struggling with your weight? Are the people at work making your days more stressful? Is your job leaving you unsatisfied? Are people mistreating you or taking advantage of you? Do you feel stuck? I would say these things make for a rainy day and for some of us these rainy days have left us drowning in a sea of hopelessness and despair. We sometimes feel like we are never going to win and we give up, we check out, we just 'try to make it.' Sounds like a rainy, gray day to me and in the natural, hopelessness and just trying to make it is the natural response. But my God, thank God we don't have to live in the natural, I don't have to respond to the rainy situations in life with a 'natural' response. I can choose to walk according to the Spirit. I can choose to have faith. I can choose to stand on God's promises.
God promised that it would not rain so much as to cause a flood to destroy all life. I can take this in the literal to translate like this:
"(Insert your name here) I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you....Whenever I bring clouds over your life, and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you. Never will the waters, the rainy days, become a flood to destroy your life"
Yes I claimed, that promise and I made it mine. I understand and accept that there will be rainy days in my life, there will be rainy seasons, there may be times that I feel like the rain will never stop, and that when it rains it pours, but God promised me those rains would not take me out and He gave me a rainbow as a sign of his covenant. I stand on his covenant. When it rains, it may pour, but the rains will not destroy my life. Stand on God's promises, because who doesn't love to see a rainbow ......
...but it's raining, it's a gray kind of day. These days make me want to just lie in bed all day and watch mindless TV, but because I get to work and because I have a family, I don't get to do that....so, I get up and I start my day. I am grateful, but every time I look out the window, this little feeling of dread comes over me, I dread going outside because I don't want to get wet, my hair will be a mess, and it's just 'nasty' outside. Now, some people love these kind of days, but I can bet that there are many of you who feel very similar to the way I feel.
So I am going upstairs to wake up God beautiful children, Joseph and Jalen, and I kept passing the three huge windows upstairs. All signs from outside told me, it's dark, it's raining, don't you just want to lay back down....and then my friend, the Holy Spirit prompted something inside of me. I had a "God is so awesome" moment.
Why is it that when it rains outside, we always believe it won't rain forever? We all know the story of how it rained and flooded for 40 days, back in days of Noah. But how many of us have built an ark to prepare for the non-stop rain...think about it, even when it rains for a few days in a row, don't you always know that it won't rain forever? But how do you know that? Did your mother tell you that, do you base that conclusion off past periods of rain, do you remember God's promise? I mean it really does look like it is going to rain all day long, and it has been raining pretty consistently over these past few days, should I be ordering ark supplies from Amazon? That would seem a bit absurd in my opinion because I *know* that this rain is going to pass. And as my favorite orphan said, "The sun will come out tomorrow!" So even though this little feeling of dread comes over me when I see the dark gray days, I don't have to wallow in it because I know the gray days will soon pass. And how I know this is based off a few things, first, God promised me in his word. (Gen. 9)
Gen 9:13-15 "I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth, and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life."
So I don't by materials for an ark because I believe God's word. Secondly, I don't even have the skills to build an ark anyway, but that's another blogpost. I also know this rain will pass because through all my life, a whole whopping 33 years, I have never seen the rain not go away. I cannot recall one time when I thought it would never stop raining and it didn't. Where am I going with this?
I easily trust God and believe His word without any doubt when it comes to the matter of rainy days in the physical environment. But, why is it that we have such a hard time believing God's word, without any doubt when it comes to rainy seasons in our lives? When you look at your present state of being and take an inventory, where is the rain falling? Where does it seem like there is no end to the rain? Are you struggling with your finances? Are your children acting like a fool, are they driving you crazy? Is your husband getting on your last nerve? Is your health failing? Are you struggling with your weight? Are the people at work making your days more stressful? Is your job leaving you unsatisfied? Are people mistreating you or taking advantage of you? Do you feel stuck? I would say these things make for a rainy day and for some of us these rainy days have left us drowning in a sea of hopelessness and despair. We sometimes feel like we are never going to win and we give up, we check out, we just 'try to make it.' Sounds like a rainy, gray day to me and in the natural, hopelessness and just trying to make it is the natural response. But my God, thank God we don't have to live in the natural, I don't have to respond to the rainy situations in life with a 'natural' response. I can choose to walk according to the Spirit. I can choose to have faith. I can choose to stand on God's promises.
God promised that it would not rain so much as to cause a flood to destroy all life. I can take this in the literal to translate like this:
"(Insert your name here) I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you....Whenever I bring clouds over your life, and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you. Never will the waters, the rainy days, become a flood to destroy your life"
Yes I claimed, that promise and I made it mine. I understand and accept that there will be rainy days in my life, there will be rainy seasons, there may be times that I feel like the rain will never stop, and that when it rains it pours, but God promised me those rains would not take me out and He gave me a rainbow as a sign of his covenant. I stand on his covenant. When it rains, it may pour, but the rains will not destroy my life. Stand on God's promises, because who doesn't love to see a rainbow ......
What you see in the natural (RAIN), if you trust God and keep the faith, stand on his promises and he will be faithful to show you his glory (RAINBOW)!
RAIN RAINBOW
| Struggle with Finances | Humility and the fear of the Lord bring wealth and honor and life. (Prov. 22:4) |
| My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:19) | |
| Children Acting Out | For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Eph. 2:10) |
| Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Prov. 22:6) | |
| People working your nerves | Do not be anxious about anything….And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:4-7) |
| Stressed Out | For anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work , just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall…(Heb 4:10-11) |
| Feeling Unloved | We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:19) |
| Feeling Unappreciated | Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her(Prov. 31: 28) |
| And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Matt 10: 30-31) | |
| God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. (Heb 6:10) | |
| Dealing with an Illness | 'But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the Lord. (Jer. 30:17) |
| Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. (Ps. 103:2-3) | |
| Feeling Hopeless | Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - …who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. (Ps. 103: 2-5) |
| Just Trying to Make It | But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship…I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day. (2 Tim 4: 5-7) |
| No, in all these things we are more than
conquerors through him who loved us. (Rom 8:37) |
Friday, August 2, 2013
And the winner is.............
Earlier this evening, my precious baby boy and I were doing some stretching exercises. I decided to comit to stretching with him in order to motivate him to stretch. Jalen is very athletic and the Lord has blessed him tremendously, but if you tell him to touch his toes, he will complain and say that it hurts. So in an effort to lessen his risk of tearing something, we have taken to strecthing most nights together. So last night, as I am stretching and he is watching me, he burst out in song. It made my heart smile.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens meeeeeeee, For I know the plans I have for you, what is it mom? oh yeah plans to give you a hope and a future, I can do all things!!!" He sang these words with conviction.
Now I don't recall what beat or tempo, but that was a beautiful sound to my ear. Here is my baby boy singing out scripture. That's what I am talking about! Strengthening your self with the Word. But as I strecthing, he was laying out chilling, singing, watching me....
"Jalen, come on, let's do this hamstring stretch. Let me show you how to do it. Sit on your feet...."
"I can't do that..." Jalen quickly interrupted me.
Whoooa!!! Pump the brakes. Did I not just hear you singing Phil. 4:13, did you not just declare that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you?
"What do you mean you can't do this stretch, you just said that you could do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you."
If you know Jalen, you know his smile and as I was asking him what did he mean, the biggest smile came across his face.
"Well, I can't do that stretch Mom, it's too hard."
Oh, boy........I thought to myself.
Many of us know the Word, but how many of us really believe God's word? I mean really believe God's word.
John 11:40
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
If we know the word and believe contrary to it or if we live like it doesn't apply in all situations, what does that say about our God? His word is who He is...Is he unbelievable?
God is the TRUTH. His word is the TRUTH. We can live by it, believe it and see the glory of God. Or we can know it, use it sometimes, and walk in defeat. It's really up to us. We change, but God doesn't.
I have a foster son named Joseph. He is two years old. He is loud. He repeats himself over and over and over and over, did I say over, again. He likes to pick up slugs. He is often described (to put it nicely) as strong willed. He is so unlike Jalen. He is so unlike the other children I spent time around. He's been through a lot more and that may be part of the reason why.
I chose to foster. I thought it was something God wanted me to do. You know, the whole help the orphans campaign...My husband was on board, so it must have been ordained by God. I envisioned a sweet, cute, little, cuddly baby who slept through the night, who was just so lovable....a bundle of joy. I envisioned that we would have this child for a few months and then they would be reunited with their parents, and the next cute, little, cuddly, sweet baby would arrive and we would love on this child and pray for them and care for them until their parents got it together and the cycle would start again. What a hoot! My experience has been nothing like that, at all. Joseph arrived all dishelved, he was a cute, freckle faced little boy, but he was not what I envisioned at all. When he first came, we all were in survival mode, but he quickly settled in. He and D (my husband) are like Frick and Frack, but I struggled with bonding with this little boy. I "loved" from a distance, I did the basic tasks like feeding, clothing and providing really well. I was just trying to get through the days until reunification. I would call the case manager and ask, did you call ALL of his relatives. It was tough for me to like him on a whole lot of days. When I tell you it was a struggle, please believe I was in the struggle of my life. I questioned whether I heard God correctly in regards to the decision to foster. I was mad at myself for making this horrible decision when I had a choice. I was mad at myself because I didn't like him. I was mad that he didn't act like I wanted him to act and I was mad that he could make me so angry. I was mad that my soul was putting up a fight against my spirit and my soul was friggin' winning. I was not happy and at many moments in time, I thought the problem could be solved if we could just give him to another family. My soul thought that, but my spirit told me otherwise.
My soul said, "You are not cut out for this", my spirit said "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you."
My soul said "But I don't like him", my spirit said "Love as Christ loves."
My soul said "He is bad and he doesn't listen", my spirit said "He is a child of God."
My soul said "Arrrrgh, he is such a mess and he is so greedy", my spirit said "Man judges by outward appearance, but God looks at a man's heart."
When I tell you it was a struggle, it was a struggle....Soul versus Spirit!
I was feeling so defeated. And it sucked. I didn't want to feel that way. Life was good before fostering, I was doing things I loved, I rarely ever snapped at my husband and now here I am seething inside at him because of a kid that is not even mine. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! Lord, help me! I tried to change my feelings, it didn't work. I would go through the motions of trying to make myself act different than I how I was feeling. I was trying to make my soul submit to my spirit and I was losing. But wait, I know the Word. I know that I am a conqueror and that with God nothing is impossible. I KNOW that God, but why are you making me go through this? I didn't sign up for all of this. I signed up for the cute, good part.....God said, "Whatever. You are mine, I will get the glory out of this."
So, he sent me on a mission. A love mission. I didn't even have to travel outside the four walls of my home. I cried, I prayed, heck I lamented. I was a hot mess. I complained. I wished. I vented. I prayed. I went in survival mode. My words, thoughts, and actions didn't line up with God's word. I felt condemned. I even verbally declared that "My love sucked!" I thought I was in a bad place. I did not understand why God would punish me like this. I even went as far to pull out this scripture and carry it around with me. Don't laugh, don't judge....
Romans 5:35 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame....[emphasis, mine]
I was really focusing on my suffering. And I was hoping that God would hurry up and let Joseph go back home. When I tell you it was a struggle, it was a struggle. Soul versus Spirit!
And the winner is.....................................SPIRIT!
Yaaay, go God! He always wins. :-)
I love Joseph, he is sweet. He is loud. He picks up slugs. He says the same things over and over and over, did I say over, again. He hasn't really changed, but my heart has. He still doesn't listen all the time, but neither do I right away. I am no longer a victim of my feelings or my soul. I focus on the Spirit and God handles the rest. There are moments when I still get frustrated, but I quickly remind myself that I can do all things through Christ; the enemy will not win. I no longer lament. I still pray for Joseph to be reunited but it comes from a heart that has been purified and no longer is it just out of selfishness and my comfort. Joseph still embarasses me sometimes, he doesn't act like I want him to act, but it's okay because my heart has changed. I walk in victory now instead of defeat. When I tell you it was a struggle, it was a struggle.
I could continue from so many angles.
Just like Jalen, I sing the praises of God; I declare His goodness. I declare that I can do all things through Christ, but when the going gets tough, what do I choose? There is a fight going on. Day and night, night and day. God never slumbers, neither does the enemy. Sometimes the fight stirs you, sometimes you ignore it. Sometimes the fight torments your soul. But, do you let your soul, (mind, will, and emotions) direct you or do you allow the Spirit to strengthen you and purify you. Purification is not a pretty process. It is not fun and it hurts, it hurts like hell, but your soul must die daily. It is a struggle, because the enemy wants you bad and we live in a sinful world and he will use even a sweet, little, precious child that God created to get at you. But what the enemy meant for harm God meant for good. Glory to God!
So do you really believe God's word?
Can you really do all things through Christ who strengthens you? (Phil. 4:13)
Are you really more than a conqueror? (Rom 8:37)
Does the Holy Spirit really live in you? (1 Cor. 6:19)
Are you really free? (John 8:31-32)
Are you really forgiven of all your sins? (1 John 2:12)
Are you really blessed? (Gal. 3:9)
Do you really not have to worry anymore? (Phil. 4:6-7)
Can you really change the way you think? (Phil 4:8)
Can you really be dead to sin? (Rom. 11-14)
Does God really love you? (John 3:16)
Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?
~ Jesus (aka da' truth)
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens meeeeeeee, For I know the plans I have for you, what is it mom? oh yeah plans to give you a hope and a future, I can do all things!!!" He sang these words with conviction.
Now I don't recall what beat or tempo, but that was a beautiful sound to my ear. Here is my baby boy singing out scripture. That's what I am talking about! Strengthening your self with the Word. But as I strecthing, he was laying out chilling, singing, watching me....
"Jalen, come on, let's do this hamstring stretch. Let me show you how to do it. Sit on your feet...."
"I can't do that..." Jalen quickly interrupted me.
Whoooa!!! Pump the brakes. Did I not just hear you singing Phil. 4:13, did you not just declare that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you?
"What do you mean you can't do this stretch, you just said that you could do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you."
If you know Jalen, you know his smile and as I was asking him what did he mean, the biggest smile came across his face.
"Well, I can't do that stretch Mom, it's too hard."
Oh, boy........I thought to myself.
Many of us know the Word, but how many of us really believe God's word? I mean really believe God's word.
John 11:40
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
If we know the word and believe contrary to it or if we live like it doesn't apply in all situations, what does that say about our God? His word is who He is...Is he unbelievable?
God is the TRUTH. His word is the TRUTH. We can live by it, believe it and see the glory of God. Or we can know it, use it sometimes, and walk in defeat. It's really up to us. We change, but God doesn't.
I have a foster son named Joseph. He is two years old. He is loud. He repeats himself over and over and over and over, did I say over, again. He likes to pick up slugs. He is often described (to put it nicely) as strong willed. He is so unlike Jalen. He is so unlike the other children I spent time around. He's been through a lot more and that may be part of the reason why.
I chose to foster. I thought it was something God wanted me to do. You know, the whole help the orphans campaign...My husband was on board, so it must have been ordained by God. I envisioned a sweet, cute, little, cuddly baby who slept through the night, who was just so lovable....a bundle of joy. I envisioned that we would have this child for a few months and then they would be reunited with their parents, and the next cute, little, cuddly, sweet baby would arrive and we would love on this child and pray for them and care for them until their parents got it together and the cycle would start again. What a hoot! My experience has been nothing like that, at all. Joseph arrived all dishelved, he was a cute, freckle faced little boy, but he was not what I envisioned at all. When he first came, we all were in survival mode, but he quickly settled in. He and D (my husband) are like Frick and Frack, but I struggled with bonding with this little boy. I "loved" from a distance, I did the basic tasks like feeding, clothing and providing really well. I was just trying to get through the days until reunification. I would call the case manager and ask, did you call ALL of his relatives. It was tough for me to like him on a whole lot of days. When I tell you it was a struggle, please believe I was in the struggle of my life. I questioned whether I heard God correctly in regards to the decision to foster. I was mad at myself for making this horrible decision when I had a choice. I was mad at myself because I didn't like him. I was mad that he didn't act like I wanted him to act and I was mad that he could make me so angry. I was mad that my soul was putting up a fight against my spirit and my soul was friggin' winning. I was not happy and at many moments in time, I thought the problem could be solved if we could just give him to another family. My soul thought that, but my spirit told me otherwise.
My soul said, "You are not cut out for this", my spirit said "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you."
My soul said "But I don't like him", my spirit said "Love as Christ loves."
My soul said "He is bad and he doesn't listen", my spirit said "He is a child of God."
My soul said "Arrrrgh, he is such a mess and he is so greedy", my spirit said "Man judges by outward appearance, but God looks at a man's heart."
When I tell you it was a struggle, it was a struggle....Soul versus Spirit!
I was feeling so defeated. And it sucked. I didn't want to feel that way. Life was good before fostering, I was doing things I loved, I rarely ever snapped at my husband and now here I am seething inside at him because of a kid that is not even mine. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! Lord, help me! I tried to change my feelings, it didn't work. I would go through the motions of trying to make myself act different than I how I was feeling. I was trying to make my soul submit to my spirit and I was losing. But wait, I know the Word. I know that I am a conqueror and that with God nothing is impossible. I KNOW that God, but why are you making me go through this? I didn't sign up for all of this. I signed up for the cute, good part.....God said, "Whatever. You are mine, I will get the glory out of this."
So, he sent me on a mission. A love mission. I didn't even have to travel outside the four walls of my home. I cried, I prayed, heck I lamented. I was a hot mess. I complained. I wished. I vented. I prayed. I went in survival mode. My words, thoughts, and actions didn't line up with God's word. I felt condemned. I even verbally declared that "My love sucked!" I thought I was in a bad place. I did not understand why God would punish me like this. I even went as far to pull out this scripture and carry it around with me. Don't laugh, don't judge....
Romans 5:35 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame....[emphasis, mine]
I was really focusing on my suffering. And I was hoping that God would hurry up and let Joseph go back home. When I tell you it was a struggle, it was a struggle. Soul versus Spirit!
And the winner is.....................................SPIRIT!
Yaaay, go God! He always wins. :-)
I love Joseph, he is sweet. He is loud. He picks up slugs. He says the same things over and over and over, did I say over, again. He hasn't really changed, but my heart has. He still doesn't listen all the time, but neither do I right away. I am no longer a victim of my feelings or my soul. I focus on the Spirit and God handles the rest. There are moments when I still get frustrated, but I quickly remind myself that I can do all things through Christ; the enemy will not win. I no longer lament. I still pray for Joseph to be reunited but it comes from a heart that has been purified and no longer is it just out of selfishness and my comfort. Joseph still embarasses me sometimes, he doesn't act like I want him to act, but it's okay because my heart has changed. I walk in victory now instead of defeat. When I tell you it was a struggle, it was a struggle.
I could continue from so many angles.
Just like Jalen, I sing the praises of God; I declare His goodness. I declare that I can do all things through Christ, but when the going gets tough, what do I choose? There is a fight going on. Day and night, night and day. God never slumbers, neither does the enemy. Sometimes the fight stirs you, sometimes you ignore it. Sometimes the fight torments your soul. But, do you let your soul, (mind, will, and emotions) direct you or do you allow the Spirit to strengthen you and purify you. Purification is not a pretty process. It is not fun and it hurts, it hurts like hell, but your soul must die daily. It is a struggle, because the enemy wants you bad and we live in a sinful world and he will use even a sweet, little, precious child that God created to get at you. But what the enemy meant for harm God meant for good. Glory to God!
So do you really believe God's word?
Can you really do all things through Christ who strengthens you? (Phil. 4:13)
Are you really more than a conqueror? (Rom 8:37)
Does the Holy Spirit really live in you? (1 Cor. 6:19)
Are you really free? (John 8:31-32)
Are you really forgiven of all your sins? (1 John 2:12)
Are you really blessed? (Gal. 3:9)
Do you really not have to worry anymore? (Phil. 4:6-7)
Can you really change the way you think? (Phil 4:8)
Can you really be dead to sin? (Rom. 11-14)
Does God really love you? (John 3:16)
Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?
~ Jesus (aka da' truth)
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Broken Pieces
We all know the popular school nursery rhyme....poor Humpty Dumpty. What a pity. He fell off the wall and all the king's horses and all the king's men, could not put Humpty together again. I am sure the reference to the king's horses and his men means more than what meets the eye. The king's horses and men had to be the finest and smartest in the kingdom and to say that they could not put him together again is very significant.
Broken pieces.
A few months ago, I was just about to do my most favorite chore around the house, and I am certain that my attitude and thoughts were stellar and pleasing unto my Lord ;-) .... After a long day at work, I came home, got out of my car, and headed straight into the kitchen to cook. I didn't pass go, I didn't sit down and rest for a moment, I was just trying to get a meal on the table for my family. After I finished cooking, I ate, and then proceeded to wash the dishes....by this time I am sure my attitude was even better than it was when I first got home. Well, in my rush and my huff and puff, as I was putting one of the drinking glasses away, I dropped it. I tried to catch it, but it was too late. It hit the counter top and then it hit the tile floor. Glass was everywhere....It shattered and pieces went everywhere....All of a sudden my husband came running in the kitchen, "Are you okay?" he asked. By this time, I am a little embarrassed, I hate making mistakes, especially really noticeable ones. "Be careful, don't come in here, glass is everywhere, I am fine. Can you please just get me some shoes?" I started cleaning up the mess; I picked up the big pieces first because they were so easy to identify. Then I got the broom and started sweeping. I moved all the chairs, I swept the whole kitchen more thoroughly than I ever had before. I wanted to make sure to get all the glass up so that no one would cut their foot or get hurt on the glass I had shattered. After I was satisfied that I had cleaned up the mess, I made sure to tell all my family members to keep their shoes on because there might be glass shards on the floor. I then proceeded to finish where I left off, I put away the dishes and went to bed. The next day I woke up and went in the kitchen with no shoes on. Just in case you are wondering, no, I did not step in any glass....My family and I, went on with our lives and lived happily ever after. :-)
We are living happily ever after, praise God. BUT, just the other day, we had to move the refrigerator and low and behold, what did I find?!? No it wasn't a dead creature, but there was glass under there! Wait a minute, I diligently swept up the kitchen after I broke the glass. I was so sure that I got just about every piece up....I spent a lot of time sweeping all of that tile, going over the baseboards, under the table, even under the fridge, but how did I miss those broken pieces....
Now of course the glass isn't the topic at hand, nor is the extra work I put in after a long day to clean up the mess I made, the issue is the broken pieces. So many times in life we get hurt by people, they offend us, they mistreat us, they may use and abuse us, sometimes its knowingly and many times the offender never even realizes that they have hurt us. We find ways to cope, we may shrug it off and pretend to not care, we gossip, we slander, we stuff it down and pretend it never happened, or maybe those of us who are saved and sanctified may pray and ask God to help us forgive fully. But what if the pain or dissatisfaction is something we caused? We may blame God, we often blame others, we blame our parents, our spouses, we even blame ourselves...Finally at some point in time, many of us get sick and tired of being sick and tired and we try to do a few things to change our situation, we do a few things to clean up our messes....we vent about it to our friends as a form of therapy, we may pray in desperate situations, we enroll in Bible Studies, read self help books, get counseling.... sometimes we find it easier to pretend like it never happened, we brush the offender off and keep it moving, we isolate ourselves from certain people or situations, we put our heads in the sand if it's a situation we can't escape, we turn into workaholics, some of us turn into alcoholics. BUT the broken pieces remain. We hide them under the fridge, we put on shoes to avoid the pain, but the fact remains, the broken pieces don't just disappear.
Broken Pieces...
Like myself, I am sure there has been at least one time in your life when you thought you did all the work to clean up the broken pieces; only to find weeks later, months later, years later that you missed a piece. You thought you dealt with the situation, you thought you had forgiven the offender, you moved on, I mean, for crying out loud that was so last season. Unfortunately, it's not that simple, but actually it is.
See our Savior came to clean up our messes. He came to pick up all the broken pieces and because He is all seeing and all knowing he doesn't miss anything! That piece under the fridge, yeah he sees it; the piece that got stuck in your foot, yeah, he felt that pain, too. There is not one piece of you that he is not aware of. And when the pieces are shattered his greatest desire is to bind them up and make you whole.
Back to Humpty Dumpty, the smartest people in the kingdom could not make him whole. And in regards to my glass, there was no way I could ever make it whole and functional again, shoot I couldn't even find all the pieces. And plus it was too messy for me to attempt to put it back together; that would have been an overwhelming and pointless undertaking. But all too often, as we journey through our lives, situations, circumstances, and opportunities come up we try to fix them or work them out by ourselves. We put tape on our hurts, glue on our disappointments, shades on our shattered dreams. We do all that we can, we exhaust ourselves trying to fix things we don't even have the ability to fix. But just because we can't fix it that doesn't mean we have to walk around our whole life with broken pieces.
Our savior came on a mission.
Isaiah 61:1-9
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be call oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated for generations. Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priest of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. "For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed."
What great news! He is waiting to bind up the broken pieces....He wants people to see you and recognize that you are a people the He has blessed! We don't have to pretend like everything is okay and we don't have to spend so much time trying to fix things ourselves. All we have to do is trust God and take him for his word. He came to bind up the brokenhearted, he came to heal the broken pieces. The smartest people in Humpty Dumpty's kingdom could not repair him, and I could not even restore a cheap drinking glass, so what makes us think that we can repair our own delicate hearts that we did not create? Our King, the King of kings, who comes from God's kingdom can put us back together again; that was His purpose that was His mission and His mission is completed!
So, when are you going to allow God full access to come clean under your fridge? When will you give him full access to your life, your dreams, your hopes, your family, your relationships, your health, your heart? I'm not saying it will be easy and I am not saying it won't be painful at times, but I am saying it will be worth it. Allow God in, submit your whole self to him, take him for His word.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I will never look at a piece of broken glass the same. I will never again trivialize the task of cleaning up the broken pieces.
Search me, O Lord. Look under my fridge, get in the cracks of my baseboards, search me O Lord, find the broken pieces and bind them up in the name of Jesus!
A few months ago, I was just about to do my most favorite chore around the house, and I am certain that my attitude and thoughts were stellar and pleasing unto my Lord ;-) .... After a long day at work, I came home, got out of my car, and headed straight into the kitchen to cook. I didn't pass go, I didn't sit down and rest for a moment, I was just trying to get a meal on the table for my family. After I finished cooking, I ate, and then proceeded to wash the dishes....by this time I am sure my attitude was even better than it was when I first got home. Well, in my rush and my huff and puff, as I was putting one of the drinking glasses away, I dropped it. I tried to catch it, but it was too late. It hit the counter top and then it hit the tile floor. Glass was everywhere....It shattered and pieces went everywhere....All of a sudden my husband came running in the kitchen, "Are you okay?" he asked. By this time, I am a little embarrassed, I hate making mistakes, especially really noticeable ones. "Be careful, don't come in here, glass is everywhere, I am fine. Can you please just get me some shoes?" I started cleaning up the mess; I picked up the big pieces first because they were so easy to identify. Then I got the broom and started sweeping. I moved all the chairs, I swept the whole kitchen more thoroughly than I ever had before. I wanted to make sure to get all the glass up so that no one would cut their foot or get hurt on the glass I had shattered. After I was satisfied that I had cleaned up the mess, I made sure to tell all my family members to keep their shoes on because there might be glass shards on the floor. I then proceeded to finish where I left off, I put away the dishes and went to bed. The next day I woke up and went in the kitchen with no shoes on. Just in case you are wondering, no, I did not step in any glass....My family and I, went on with our lives and lived happily ever after. :-)
We are living happily ever after, praise God. BUT, just the other day, we had to move the refrigerator and low and behold, what did I find?!? No it wasn't a dead creature, but there was glass under there! Wait a minute, I diligently swept up the kitchen after I broke the glass. I was so sure that I got just about every piece up....I spent a lot of time sweeping all of that tile, going over the baseboards, under the table, even under the fridge, but how did I miss those broken pieces....
Now of course the glass isn't the topic at hand, nor is the extra work I put in after a long day to clean up the mess I made, the issue is the broken pieces. So many times in life we get hurt by people, they offend us, they mistreat us, they may use and abuse us, sometimes its knowingly and many times the offender never even realizes that they have hurt us. We find ways to cope, we may shrug it off and pretend to not care, we gossip, we slander, we stuff it down and pretend it never happened, or maybe those of us who are saved and sanctified may pray and ask God to help us forgive fully. But what if the pain or dissatisfaction is something we caused? We may blame God, we often blame others, we blame our parents, our spouses, we even blame ourselves...Finally at some point in time, many of us get sick and tired of being sick and tired and we try to do a few things to change our situation, we do a few things to clean up our messes....we vent about it to our friends as a form of therapy, we may pray in desperate situations, we enroll in Bible Studies, read self help books, get counseling.... sometimes we find it easier to pretend like it never happened, we brush the offender off and keep it moving, we isolate ourselves from certain people or situations, we put our heads in the sand if it's a situation we can't escape, we turn into workaholics, some of us turn into alcoholics. BUT the broken pieces remain. We hide them under the fridge, we put on shoes to avoid the pain, but the fact remains, the broken pieces don't just disappear.
Broken Pieces...
Like myself, I am sure there has been at least one time in your life when you thought you did all the work to clean up the broken pieces; only to find weeks later, months later, years later that you missed a piece. You thought you dealt with the situation, you thought you had forgiven the offender, you moved on, I mean, for crying out loud that was so last season. Unfortunately, it's not that simple, but actually it is.
See our Savior came to clean up our messes. He came to pick up all the broken pieces and because He is all seeing and all knowing he doesn't miss anything! That piece under the fridge, yeah he sees it; the piece that got stuck in your foot, yeah, he felt that pain, too. There is not one piece of you that he is not aware of. And when the pieces are shattered his greatest desire is to bind them up and make you whole.
Back to Humpty Dumpty, the smartest people in the kingdom could not make him whole. And in regards to my glass, there was no way I could ever make it whole and functional again, shoot I couldn't even find all the pieces. And plus it was too messy for me to attempt to put it back together; that would have been an overwhelming and pointless undertaking. But all too often, as we journey through our lives, situations, circumstances, and opportunities come up we try to fix them or work them out by ourselves. We put tape on our hurts, glue on our disappointments, shades on our shattered dreams. We do all that we can, we exhaust ourselves trying to fix things we don't even have the ability to fix. But just because we can't fix it that doesn't mean we have to walk around our whole life with broken pieces.
Our savior came on a mission.
Isaiah 61:1-9
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be call oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated for generations. Strangers will shepherd your flocks; foreigners will work your fields and vineyards. And you will be called priest of the Lord, you will be named ministers of our God. You will feed on the wealth of nations, and in their riches you will boast. Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. "For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them. Their descendants will be known among the nations and their offspring among the peoples. All who see them will acknowledge that they are a people the Lord has blessed."
What great news! He is waiting to bind up the broken pieces....He wants people to see you and recognize that you are a people the He has blessed! We don't have to pretend like everything is okay and we don't have to spend so much time trying to fix things ourselves. All we have to do is trust God and take him for his word. He came to bind up the brokenhearted, he came to heal the broken pieces. The smartest people in Humpty Dumpty's kingdom could not repair him, and I could not even restore a cheap drinking glass, so what makes us think that we can repair our own delicate hearts that we did not create? Our King, the King of kings, who comes from God's kingdom can put us back together again; that was His purpose that was His mission and His mission is completed!
So, when are you going to allow God full access to come clean under your fridge? When will you give him full access to your life, your dreams, your hopes, your family, your relationships, your health, your heart? I'm not saying it will be easy and I am not saying it won't be painful at times, but I am saying it will be worth it. Allow God in, submit your whole self to him, take him for His word.
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
I will never look at a piece of broken glass the same. I will never again trivialize the task of cleaning up the broken pieces.
Search me, O Lord. Look under my fridge, get in the cracks of my baseboards, search me O Lord, find the broken pieces and bind them up in the name of Jesus!
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