Earlier this evening, my precious baby boy and I were doing some stretching exercises. I decided to comit to stretching with him in order to motivate him to stretch. Jalen is very athletic and the Lord has blessed him tremendously, but if you tell him to touch his toes, he will complain and say that it hurts. So in an effort to lessen his risk of tearing something, we have taken to strecthing most nights together. So last night, as I am stretching and he is watching me, he burst out in song. It made my heart smile.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens meeeeeeee, For I know the plans I have for you, what is it mom? oh yeah plans to give you a hope and a future, I can do all things!!!" He sang these words with conviction.
Now I don't recall what beat or tempo, but that was a beautiful sound to my ear. Here is my baby boy singing out scripture. That's what I am talking about! Strengthening your self with the Word. But as I strecthing, he was laying out chilling, singing, watching me....
"Jalen, come on, let's do this hamstring stretch. Let me show you how to do it. Sit on your feet...."
"I can't do that..." Jalen quickly interrupted me.
Whoooa!!! Pump the brakes. Did I not just hear you singing Phil. 4:13, did you not just declare that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you?
"What do you mean you can't do this stretch, you just said that you could do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you."
If you know Jalen, you know his smile and as I was asking him what did he mean, the biggest smile came across his face.
"Well, I can't do that stretch Mom, it's too hard."
Oh, boy........I thought to myself.
Many of us know the Word, but how many of us really believe God's word? I mean really believe God's word.
John 11:40
Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"
If we know the word and believe contrary to it or if we live like it doesn't apply in all situations, what does that say about our God? His word is who He is...Is he unbelievable?
God is the TRUTH. His word is the TRUTH. We can live by it, believe it and see the glory of God. Or we can know it, use it sometimes, and walk in defeat. It's really up to us. We change, but God doesn't.
I have a foster son named Joseph. He is two years old. He is loud. He repeats himself over and over and over and over, did I say over, again. He likes to pick up slugs. He is often described (to put it nicely) as strong willed. He is so unlike Jalen. He is so unlike the other children I spent time around. He's been through a lot more and that may be part of the reason why.
I chose to foster. I thought it was something God wanted me to do. You know, the whole help the orphans campaign...My husband was on board, so it must have been ordained by God. I envisioned a sweet, cute, little, cuddly baby who slept through the night, who was just so lovable....a bundle of joy. I envisioned that we would have this child for a few months and then they would be reunited with their parents, and the next cute, little, cuddly, sweet baby would arrive and we would love on this child and pray for them and care for them until their parents got it together and the cycle would start again. What a hoot! My experience has been nothing like that, at all. Joseph arrived all dishelved, he was a cute, freckle faced little boy, but he was not what I envisioned at all. When he first came, we all were in survival mode, but he quickly settled in. He and D (my husband) are like Frick and Frack, but I struggled with bonding with this little boy. I "loved" from a distance, I did the basic tasks like feeding, clothing and providing really well. I was just trying to get through the days until reunification. I would call the case manager and ask, did you call ALL of his relatives. It was tough for me to like him on a whole lot of days. When I tell you it was a struggle, please believe I was in the struggle of my life. I questioned whether I heard God correctly in regards to the decision to foster. I was mad at myself for making this horrible decision when I had a choice. I was mad at myself because I didn't like him. I was mad that he didn't act like I wanted him to act and I was mad that he could make me so angry. I was mad that my soul was putting up a fight against my spirit and my soul was friggin' winning. I was not happy and at many moments in time, I thought the problem could be solved if we could just give him to another family. My soul thought that, but my spirit told me otherwise.
My soul said, "You are not cut out for this", my spirit said "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you."
My soul said "But I don't like him", my spirit said "Love as Christ loves."
My soul said "He is bad and he doesn't listen", my spirit said "He is a child of God."
My soul said "Arrrrgh, he is such a mess and he is so greedy", my spirit said "Man judges by outward appearance, but God looks at a man's heart."
When I tell you it was a struggle, it was a struggle....Soul versus Spirit!
I was feeling so defeated. And it sucked. I didn't want to feel that way. Life was good before fostering, I was doing things I loved, I rarely ever snapped at my husband and now here I am seething inside at him because of a kid that is not even mine. ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! Lord, help me! I tried to change my feelings, it didn't work. I would go through the motions of trying to make myself act different than I how I was feeling. I was trying to make my soul submit to my spirit and I was losing. But wait, I know the Word. I know that I am a conqueror and that with God nothing is impossible. I KNOW that God, but why are you making me go through this? I didn't sign up for all of this. I signed up for the cute, good part.....God said, "Whatever. You are mine, I will get the glory out of this."
So, he sent me on a mission. A love mission. I didn't even have to travel outside the four walls of my home. I cried, I prayed, heck I lamented. I was a hot mess. I complained. I wished. I vented. I prayed. I went in survival mode. My words, thoughts, and actions didn't line up with God's word. I felt condemned. I even verbally declared that "My love sucked!" I thought I was in a bad place. I did not understand why God would punish me like this. I even went as far to pull out this scripture and carry it around with me. Don't laugh, don't judge....
Romans 5:35 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame....[emphasis, mine]
I was really focusing on my suffering. And I was hoping that God would hurry up and let Joseph go back home. When I tell you it was a struggle, it was a struggle. Soul versus Spirit!
And the winner is.....................................SPIRIT!
Yaaay, go God! He always wins. :-)
I love Joseph, he is sweet. He is loud. He picks up slugs. He says the same things over and over and over, did I say over, again. He hasn't really changed, but my heart has. He still doesn't listen all the time, but neither do I right away. I am no longer a victim of my feelings or my soul. I focus on the Spirit and God handles the rest. There are moments when I still get frustrated, but I quickly remind myself that I can do all things through Christ; the enemy will not win. I no longer lament. I still pray for Joseph to be reunited but it comes from a heart that has been purified and no longer is it just out of selfishness and my comfort. Joseph still embarasses me sometimes, he doesn't act like I want him to act, but it's okay because my heart has changed. I walk in victory now instead of defeat. When I tell you it was a struggle, it was a struggle.
I could continue from so many angles.
Just like Jalen, I sing the praises of God; I declare His goodness. I declare that I can do all things through Christ, but when the going gets tough, what do I choose? There is a fight going on. Day and night, night and day. God never slumbers, neither does the enemy. Sometimes the fight stirs you, sometimes you ignore it. Sometimes the fight torments your soul. But, do you let your soul, (mind, will, and emotions) direct you or do you allow the Spirit to strengthen you and purify you. Purification is not a pretty process. It is not fun and it hurts, it hurts like hell, but your soul must die daily. It is a struggle, because the enemy wants you bad and we live in a sinful world and he will use even a sweet, little, precious child that God created to get at you. But what the enemy meant for harm God meant for good. Glory to God!
So do you really believe God's word?
Can you really do all things through Christ who strengthens you? (Phil. 4:13)
Are you really more than a conqueror? (Rom 8:37)
Does the Holy Spirit really live in you? (1 Cor. 6:19)
Are you really free? (John 8:31-32)
Are you really forgiven of all your sins? (1 John 2:12)
Are you really blessed? (Gal. 3:9)
Do you really not have to worry anymore? (Phil. 4:6-7)
Can you really change the way you think? (Phil 4:8)
Can you really be dead to sin? (Rom. 11-14)
Does God really love you? (John 3:16)
Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?
~ Jesus (aka da' truth)
In reference to fostering, it took me a long time to get to this point. It doesn't mean that I am perfect, but my heart has changed and that is what matters most. Below is a draft post that I never published because I wasn't where I am now.
ReplyDelete"Be honest or be quiet...."
So for the last few weeks, I have been quiet. Very quiet, especially on this blog....and there is a reason for that. I have been having many feelings I want to share, many revelations, many thoughts, but I really needed to process them first before I shared them with the world.
Have you ever received a word from God and when you finally got the courage to step out on that word, in faith, you felt like you may have heard the Lord incorrectly?
Well, that is exactly how I have been feeling...I think I mentioned in an earlier post how I felt like years ago the Lord laid it on my heart to become a foster parent. At the time, it was almost a fleeting thought, but I did say to myself, 'One day I will foster.' At the time, I was single and I distinctly remember thinking about what would people say about me and I remember distinctly assuring myself that I could provide for this child and give him or her a good life even if I were single. Fast forward about 6 years and that word I spoke, has come full circle.
In my naiveté I thought fostering would be easy, I think I almost imagined that fostering would be somewhat glorious. That I would take in a precious little child and just love them so much and they would love me back. After taking MAPP classes, I was exposed to some of the ugly realities about fostering and the system. My heart cried out for these poor, innocent children. I knew I had to do my part. In my mind, I constructed the perfect scenario, foster a child under two, I actually preferred between the ages of 6 weeks - 12 months, and the emotional stress would be limited. I knew this would impact our family, my schedule, my free time, my finances, but in my mind, I had this picture of what fostering would look like and let me tell you, I seriously needed a new set of lenses. This journey thus far has been nothing like I imagined and I struggle with it everyday. I struggle with comparing my foster child to Jalen (who in my mind was the perfect child), I struggle with bonding with this child, I struggle with what other people say, I struggle with knowing if God really told me to do this.....I struggle. So as I have been struggling, I have had every emotion overwhelm me:
1. Exhaustion: It's hard to go from having a self-sufficient, independent, mellow 11 year old, to having a two year old who screams out "Mommmmeeeeeeeee (now Daddddeeeee) obnoxiously loud first thing in the morning. When he first came to us, he would scream out in the middle of the night and I had never experienced that before, I didn't know what the heck was going on. I was used to sleeping through the night and sleeping in on the weekend. Those first weeks were rough, I thank the Lord, that he now sleeps peacefully through the night. The Lord is good and his mercy endureth forever. He is my sustainer.
2. Aggravation: He wants to eat constantly, it seems like every hour. He eats more than I eat and the lady at the WIC Office told me he was overweight. So it aggravates me when he asks for 3rds and 4ths. Maybe he's still hungry, no I think he's just greedy.
I stopped there because my thoughts, nor my words were going to bring God any glory.....
I'm glad that I got to the point, well God got me to the point that I could write "And the winner is...."