Shine Bright Like a Diamond

Well of course Rhianna has made this phrase popular...."Shine Bright Like a Diamond"  What does that truly mean? Honestly, I don't know what it means in the pop culture world, but I know what it means to me personally....

Those of you who know me, know I really don't listen to the radio, I don't really know the Top 40, but that's okay, because like my God says, there is nothing under the sun that is new.

I am up uncharacteristically early; normally when I can't sleep, I toss and turn until it's time for me to get up, and I wake up exhausted, not much fun. Well this morning, tossing and turning didn't even do it for me, I had to get up. The Lord wanted to speak with me, his timing is definitely not my timing, but his timing is best. Of course there are absolutely no distractions and no interruptions at this hour, every one else is sound asleep.  Before I got out of bed (trust me getting up was the last thing I wanted to do) I read the verse of the day (like I always do, shout out to YouVersion) and it read:

Psalm 51:12
Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.

And like always, I opened up the whole chapter to read the entire context of this Psalm....well, as soon as I got finished, I hopped up out of bed and turned my SWAG on, just kidding, but the Lord did fully awake me. This Psalm is deep....

I have been through a lot lately, and I have been dealing with recovering from an automobile accident and all that follows your car being totaled, raising Jalen, trying to be a 'good' wife, coping with being a Foster parent of a two year old, work, basically I have been coping with life....there have been some hard days in these last few months, there have been days when my faith has been tested to the limit, there have been more days than not that I have cried out to God, "Lord, why is it that things never seem to work out for me?" Praise God , those were fleeting thoughts, that I took captive as soon as I shifted my focus, but nonetheless, it has been a struggle. I have struggled with bonding with our foster child, I have questioned my ability to love like Jesus loves. I have struggled with my thoughts, at times I have felt I had the 'right' to be in a down mood. I have struggled, but through it all God was right there for me. He sustains me, he refreshes me, he gives me hope.  In my struggle, I have sinned. And I realize that when I sin, though I could try to justify it (the old me), I realize that I sin only against God.....

I had a really difficult conversation this weekend with Jalen's biological father. Lord knows I have tried to forgive him, but it's not an overnight process. What do you do when the transgressions continue? I will tell you what I did and still do. I forgive as much as I know how, but it is not enough. (See, honestly, though I am smart by the world's standards, I acknowledge that by God's standards my thoughts and knowledge level are supremely sub par. I NEED God so desperately. ) The relationship I had with Jalen's father was not a good one. For one we were really young and definitely not ready to deal with 'grown up' responsibilities, secondly the relationship was not built on truth, trust, or any statutes of God, that relationship was full of sin: fornication, disrespect, immaturity, emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation, dishonor to parents...oh the list could go on, but it all sums up to sinning against God. I truly believed that once I moved on, that whole relationship, all the hurts and pain that were associated would go away, but here it is 10 years later, and I still have to deal with it...that and of course I do have a son (whom I am so grateful to God for) with said individual. Not sure how I really thought I could just sweep it under the rug, like he didn't exist, but we all find our ways to cope with our past and our sins.
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Psalm 51:1 - 6
Have mercy on me, O God,
  according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
  blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity
   and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions
  and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
  and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
  and justified when you judge.

Surely I was sinful at birth,
  sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
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God speaks. He is the truth and he desires the truth, before him there is no hiding, there is no mask one can put on to cover up from Him. God speaks, but He speaks in love.  Earlier, I talked about how my knowledge is sub par. I don't know everything.  And I certainly don't know how to fix everything that goes on now, rather less things that happened years ago, long before I was even trying to walk with God. I don't know how to make things right...seems like a depressing place to be. Realizing all the sins you have committed against God, recognizing that you were born in sin, BUT GOD was not done speaking.....
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Psalm 51:6 - 13
You teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
  wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
  let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
  and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure hear, O God,
  and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
  or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
  and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.
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God speaks. See as I was going through this text, I saw clearly many of the sins that have led me to where I am in life now.  "For I know my transgressions and my sin is always before me." At first I struggled with that text. Did this mean my sin was always going to be right in front of my face, especially the "BIG" sins, would I always have to face them? Did this mean I could never put those things behind me? Well, there are natural consequences that I will always deal with and I must be truthful, I am a sinner. BUT GOD teaches me wisdom in my inmost place. What a relief, I don't have to have all the answers, I don't have to know everything, God teaches me. Thank you Lord.

Then I moved to verse 7: "Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."

I thought about this....the Lord says I will be clean, He says I will be whiter than snow. Even in the midst of my struggle, if I am repentant, if I am truthful, if I realize that when I sin, it is against God and I ask God to cleanse me, He will do it. He cleanses me, He covers me with the blood of Jesus and I am whiter than snow. HALLELUJAH, my soul cries out!  I AM WHITER THAN SNOW !!! But wait a minute, have you ever seen snow? I am from the south, some call it the Dirty South. When it snows there, the snow is dirty and then it turns into this nasty black slush, ewww, gross.  Lord that is not the kind of snow I want to look like...but God in all His graciousness, has allowed me the opportunity to go skiing in North Carolina and in Denver, CO.  When I read this text, it took me back to Denver, CO. It took me back the slopes at Breckenridge Resort. There, the mountain is high, and snow is fine like powder, and it is beautiful. It is so white, it is so pure in its untouched state.  The snow there is so white, when the sun shines on it, it glistens. I said, when the SON shines on it, it glistens. It sparkles. It shines bright like a diamond....My God is so good. I am in tears right now. I am whiter than snow. I shine bright like a diamond (think, Bling, bling). I am the twinkle in His eye.

He has restored to me the joy of His salvation. I hear joy and gladness.

You too, shine bright like a diamond, you are the twinkle in His eye. He rejoices over you with singing.

I pray that you will rest in Jesus' finished work. He died so we can be free, so we could have the abundant life. All God wants from us is a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:17) There is nothing too hard for God, there is nothing that he will not forgive. He loves us, he wants us as we are and it's so beautiful to know that when we submit unto Him, He restores us, He gives us joy. He gives us hope and a future. What a gracious and Mighty God we serve.

Blessings and Favor Abound.....

Shine Bright Like a Diamond!

In His Love.....Until Next Time.

Forgiven....

I am sure we all know someone who is bitter and if we are discerning, we can see the nasty side effects of unforgiveness...it is ugly, it is nasty, it is complicated.

As I was reading this evening,  I was tremendously blessed and felt the strong desire to share...

Luke 17:4
If he sins against you seven times a day, and comes back to you seven times saying, "I repent," you must forgive him.

Say what, Jesus? Really?!?  Doesn't that mean I am getting 'walked over', 'taken advantage of', doesn't that make me 'Stupid?' I mean how times am I really supposed to keep forgiving somebody for doing the same stuff everyday?

That was my rationale, and I am certain that I don't stand alone on this one.  However, the word of God is VERY clear; as many times as your brother, sister, husband, wife, friend comes back and repents, you must forgive him. It is what we are commanded to do......So when I look at this from the viewpoint of someone continually offending me, I am not really 'feeling' this verse. It is so contrary to how I was raised, so contrary to how I perceive myself, because you know I am not letting anybody walk all over me and mistreat me....My, my, my how God grows us.  Today, I looked at this verse with a renewed mind, I stopped making it about myself and made it about others. Case in point....The Lord has truly blessed me with an amazing, wonderful, kind, and loving husband. He is all those things, but he is not perfect, and neither am I. Some days I wonder how he even deals with me, but he is always so patient, always so gentle, and he always forgives me.  Our relationship is not perfect, but I will say God has blessed us to know how to communicate effectively and the most vital part to our effective communication is forgiveness. My husband forgives me for something almost everyday it seems like... sometimes, I get upset with myself because I keep doing things that I have to apologize for, like being snappy, being impatient, being judgmental, the list could go on....(Disclaimer: God is still working on me, I am a Masterpiece in Progress) I never intentionally mean to snap at him or be critical, seriously, I am trying to win "Wife of the Year"...apparently I have a long way to go. But every single time I have asked for forgiveness, he just forgives me, and it happens immediately... not with a lecture, not with contingencies, he just forgives me. I am so thankful and so grateful.  God has used Derrick to show me firsthand how he wants us to forgive. He wants us to forgive with love, without restrictions, without harboring a grudge. I have seen firsthand what unforgiveness looks like... it looks like married people not talking to each other, walking on eggshells, shouting and screaming, unhappiness, lack of joy.....it looks totally unlike what God designed.

So how many times do I have to forgive someone, as many times as they come back and repent. I can't dispute the word. I know some who may read this may be in difficult relationships and I am not saying that people who mistreat you should get away with anything, but it is not our job to make them pay, the Lord is our vindicator. Our job is to forgive and leave the rest up to God. He will act on our behalf and in our best interests.

So now, when I am at a bridal shower and someone asks me, what is the key to a happy marriage? I will boldly say to them with 100% confidence, "Keeping God first and always being willing to forgive."

For Christ's Sake...

It's been a while; I have been busy. But for Christ's Sake, I thank the Lord that He has sustained me through this time of great demands and responsibilities. It is all for His glory!  It is so easy to say that when you are experiencing times of great joy, but how often do you say it when you are dealing with unpleasant circumstances, when you are tired to your bones, when you are just trying to get through the day? 

Our circumstances are not always good, we may not always feel good, but the truth of the matter is that Our Heavenly Father is always good. Even as we suffer, we must be mindful that through our sufferings God is glorified. But He can only be glorified through us if the way we respond to our sufferings brings glory to Him.  Let me see if I can break this down....I have been through many trials and tribulations, but I will focus on a couple that are near and dear to my heart. I will focus on the trials that humble me and make me trust in God, the trials that make me stand on His word, because there is nothing else for me to do.....

1.  Ulcerative Colitis (UC).
I was diagnosed with UC when I was 17 years old. For those of you who don't know about UC, it is a nasty disease...one that many people silently suffer from. For 8 years I battled with this  disease, which I truly believe is the result of stress. I battled this disease while being a single parent, I battled this disease while pressing on to finish college, I battled this disease while trying to find out who I was....I battled this disease while trying to prove to everyone that I was not failure; though I had a child out of wedlock, I would not be a statistic, I would take care of my child, I would graduate with honors, I would get a great job, I would buy a home, I would be self sufficient. Through the grace of God, he sustained me through it all, and I was able to accomplish my goals. But the problem was not my goals, the problem was me trying to prove I was self-sufficient. All of this proving, all of this painting the "everything in my life is perfect picture" and making sure that in spite of my single parent status, I could prove that I was not a failure, caused me to take on this independent spirit. Pride and self-sufficiency. In the mean time, I was still dealing with Ulcerative Colitis. Flare-ups would come and go....but right when I really thought life was great, BOOM! The thorn in my side really made itself known. I was taking 20+ pills a day, seeing my doctor 2-3 times a week, getting blood drawn till my arms were black and blue....all the while still telling everyone "Everything is okay", "No, I don't need any help." See, I knew God was taking care of me, but I did not give Him the credit He deserved. I did not humble myself, nor did I share with those around me His glory.  I ended up in the hospital for over 3 weeks, I almost died. I could not comb my hair or take care of my child, but God sent my angels to watch over me and my home. It was while I was in the hospital that I realized that it was okay for me not to be able to do everything, it was okay for me to need help, I could depend on others to be there in my time of need. It was during this time of illness and hospitalization that God brought my Father and I together to begin healing our severely broken relationship. It was during this time of sickness that God showed me that He was my provider, my healer, and deliverer.  Now as I read,

Romans 8:28-29  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
AND
2 Cor 12:7-10  To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weaknesses." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

While I was dealing with UC, I knew God, I went to church, I prayed, but I was not giving everything to Him. I was not standing on His word, I wasn't walking daily with God. I wasn't living to please Him; I was living to please others. I am thankful for what God brought me through because now I know for sure that in ALL things God works for my good. Without that nasty disease, would I have come to the point I am at now, glorifying God in all things? I don't know, but I do know that for Christ's sake I suffered, but God's grace was and always is sufficient!

(For info on Ulcerative Colitis visit www.ccfa.org )

Just flow with it.....

When I was a young girl, I dreamed of being a lawyer. And in 3rd grade, I dressed up as Barbara Walters because I admired her so much. So I always wanted, deep down in my core, to be a powerful woman who could be heard by many....BUT, somewhere along the line, I changed my mind. And somewhere along the path of life, I decided that I would be better off if I just kept to myself and kept quiet. Somewhere along the line, my dreams diminished, and I decided to just go with the flow. You have heard the saying "Go with the flow" ....don't raise any concerns, don't question what we are doing, don't rock the boat, or challenge what you hear or see, "Just go with the flow".... I did that. I went with the flow. I came from a house where almost daily we heard, "Just keep the peace." How do you keep peace that was never present? I am just saying....but from that 'go with the flow' mentality, I lost my voice, I lost my fight, I lost my deepest dreams, I lost my hope.

That 'flow' left me confused, hurt, angry, and often depressed. That flow allowed me to give my best to people who would use, abuse, and manipulate me...That flow included doing what I saw other people doing, trying to please everybody, attempting to prove I was smart and successful in *every* area of my life, and that flow completely robbed me of many years of happiness and joy.

At the time I didn't know that the flow was one of the devil's most appealing delusions. I let the flow define me, I let my past define, I let the culture, my upbringing, my relationships, and my achievements define me....I was going with the flow.  Notice that flow did not include listening for God's voice often, nor did that flow include giving my all to God, and that is where that flow is completely useless.  The flow is LIE! Yes, I said it.. I will NOT just 'Go with the flow' because I now know better. And when you know better, you do better.

The only flow I am going with is the flow of the Holy Spirit. I know who I am and whose I am, I know my purpose, and who I am defined by. I am no longer defined by my past, my relationships, my career, my achievements. I am defined by my future, I am defined by my destiny, and the only way I will fulfill that is by listening for My Creator to continually lead me and being obedient to his perfect plan. And now I won't have to "just go with the flow" beacuse out of my own heart will flow rivers of living water!

John 7:38  He who believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.

How many times did I pass by, blinded....

On my ride to work this morning, I noticed something beautiful and precious to God in a run down  trailer park.....

Each and everyday workday that I leave the comforts of my nice, beautifully maintained neighborhood, I pass through an area that seems to be a very low income area. Very different from where I grew up and very different from where I now live, very different from the places I would even set foot in. There are a lot of dilapidated houses, trailers with lots of stuff in front of them, it's just a really poor area.  We have been challenged by our Pastor to identify things that break our hearts and once those are identified, the challenge follows, what are you going to do about it? So many things break my heart.... I feel like I am doing all I can, but maybe there is more...maybe God is bigger and maybe I have been relying on my limited knowledge instead of trusting God's infinite wisdom...

So with that said, as I drive past this area, I look up and there is a woman stepping out of her trailer, and how I wish I could have left it at just that....A glance...not a tug, not a prompting from the Holy Spirit. The scales fell from my eyes and in that instant and I saw a beautiful woman, a woman God created and loves, a woman that God told me to go to her house and talk with her, invite her to your church, pray with her if she needs it....Once again, God are you serious? I don't know this woman, she doesn't know me, I don't belong in her neighborhood, she might think I am strange, what if someone attacks me, really God.... I want to ignore the prompting, pretend I never saw the lady, take a different route to work............. I want to be obedient. So instead of going a different route I will plan to stop by her house, but what if she doesn't answer, what if she has a dog, what if she won't talk to me, where will I find the time, I mean I am busy, I have to go to work, I have tutoring, I have class to prepare for, and on top of it I have an unexpected dentist visit......I also have a divine appointment, I will be obedient.

I ask God daily to open my eyes, to soften my heart, to speak to me and through me....He gives me what I ask for, and then I want it in a different way....When I got to work this morning, I received the following 'Pecking Orders' from TD Jakes.... 

WTAL - 52 Days of Pecking Orders - Day 15

In this new season, God will EXPOSE you to brand new things and people. However, do not get caught up in looking at the outside of a person, relationship or situation! These things do not always reflect what is on the inside. Jesus said about the Pharisees that “outside” they were clean, but “inside” they were full of dead men’s bones (Matthew 23:27). Ask God for His wisdom and KNOWLEDGE as you navigate new territory and people!

Confirmation.

Thank you Lord for your word and your patience and infinite wisdom. In all things it is my desire to glorify your name!

God, are you serious?

Have you ever found yourself wondering "What the heck am I doing?" That is my question right now. "What the heck am I doing?" and, "God are you really serious?"

I am a busy person. By day I am an engineer, by evening I am a tutor, student, instructor, wife, mother, daughter, peacemaker, leader, volunteer, and cheerleader. I am focused; I am determined to make a difference; I refuse to let the potential that God has placed in me go to waste.  I have a lot on my plate, as most of us do, but I am certain that all the things that are on my plate are God ordained and God appointed. So therefore, I don't worry about getting burned out. I am restored daily, because God always fills my cup to overflow.

But....Foster parenting, God are you serious? How does that fit into my schedule? I am not sure if we are the right people for this job. How is this going to work? Aren't people going to think we are crazy?

Then God speaks to me:

 James 1:27  Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. 

'Nuff said. What is my purpose in life? To glorify God in all things. How do I fulfill that purpose? By doing and loving as God tells me in His word. SO....with that said, Derrick and I went to the foster parent orientation, and now we are all in.

Pray for us. Pray for strength, courage, and wisdom, that we might honor God. 

God was (and always is) serious. :-)

It's About Time!!

So, I will admit, I was prompted to start this blog several months ago.....but you know, LIFE, has a way of getting in the way, all too often.

Welcome to my world. I invite you to cry, rejoice, celebrate, stand in amazement, and pray with me and for me,  as I share MY WALK.  My walk, however, is not at all about ME, I am doing this for HIM. For those of you who may wonder, "Who is HIM?",  I am referring to my healer, my deliverer, my redeemer, my savior, my EVERYTHING.....My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

It is my hope and my prayer that when you read the posts in this blog, that you will get a glimpse of the glory of God!  My WALK is for HIM.  Enjoy!!